When Everything is Wrong, Everything is (al)Right.

You know those nights where everything you do seems completely wrong?

I had a jam with a drummer the other night, and afterwards I was depressed and moody.

It wasn’t him or his playing – It was all to do with me and where my head was.

Firstly it was really cold playing in my shed. My fingers just weren’t responding to me very well or maybe I wasn’t giving them good instructions.

My guitar playing was stilted and creaky – half asleep. I felt at a total loss, that I’d never get round to playing properly.

My gear sounded crap – The amp, guitar, pedals. I hadn’t spent enough time playing around with sounds to find the sweet spots.

Then there were songs I was running through, ideas and riffs of mine, wondering why I didn’t have so many more to show. Why had I not finished all of those ideas I’d had? Why was I bored? What am I reaching for and not getting? Or what am I NOT reaching for?

Maybe I it was a signal that I’ve been slacking off. I have so many songs to finish, so much guitar to practice, so many other instruments to learn – so much action to take, so many things I want to do.

Anyway my negativity was not doing me or anyone any good. We soldiered through the rest of the jam and managed to have fun, but afterwards I was still gloomy.

I hate feeling bummed out. I’ve wasted too much time in my life being miserable and I don’t want to do it anymore. I have to fight it off.

I thought about it and realised I was being a fool.

I wanted hard work didn’t I? – Something that would test me. Let’s see if I’ve got the grit to see this through.

If I’m not happy now, when will I be? When I’ve ‘achieved’ something? When I’ve better gear? A band I’m happy with? When I’m ‘good enough’?

It doesn’t make sense. The only thing that matters or has any effect is what I do NOW. Each new set of circumstances comes with its own problems, trials hurdles. It’s never over. Periods of relative quiet are just space between the end of one trial and the beginning of the next.

This is a beautiful thing. I need to remember to enjoy the process… stay focused and disciplined.

There is a saying I hold dear:

“The path itself is more important than how far along it you are.”

I’m thankful for every little reminder that I still have lots to learn and for having the path ahead of me illuminated enough to keep moving.

I’m more excited now than I have been in a long time.

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