Top Ten Alternative Kings

In keeping with the noise surround the non-event that is the royal wedding, I thought I’d touch on the theme of royalty and more importantly the throne for this post. I present you with my Top Ten Alternative Kings:

In no particular order…..

King Buzzo

He has side-show bob hair. He sings like a 70s rock god turned axe-murderer. He is responsible for some of the most consistent heaviness, best riffs and metallic strangeness, and nothing about the MElvins makes ANY sense whatsoever. Buzzzzzzzzzz.

King Crimson

21st Century Schizoid man. Need I say more?

King Heroin

This song and poem are harrowing when told like this and make me want to hear whole albums of James Brown reciting poetry. This is how to make the same groove and riff work for 4-5 minutes straight. It sounds like funk noir.

“You dare defy me, I who am king?”

Jim Morrison, The Lizard King

It takes a certain something to make indecent exposure a kind of art form. At their best the Doors do what only the truest of the dark arts can do – make you feel like you’re the coolest person alive. (Apart from light my fire – I can’t stand that wimpy-ass flowery cripple of a song.)

PS Leather trousers baby.

King Only

I love Greg Dulli. This is one of those songs that’s so simple but hits the mark for me so much that I kinda wish I’d written it. I don’t like the album version though because they overdid with the trip-hop and trumpets stuff. Keep it it raw.

Fisher King

This film is sad and happy and beautiful and poetic. The idea that you can turn it all around and build towers out of rubble, appeals greatly, as does its unrelenting optimism and celebration of life. Plus Tom Waits has a cameo that actually makes sense for once.

King Ink

Because It has an insanely heavy riff. Because the birthday party were insanely heavy. Because it’s one of the few types of music you could scare people with. Because you’re not sure what it’s really about even if you think the song is about Nick trying to write at the time and not being sure how to because everything in his immediate vicinity is shit and it stinks and he can’t stand himself and yet also feels like he is a giant wading through it all.

“Oh yeah, Oh yeah, what a wonderful life!”

PS Leather trousers again. Baby.

King Kong

He had guts, he had style, and most of all he had heart. A sucka for the ladies too. Gotta love the big fella.

Stephen King

He’s hardcore, hard-working and pretty much wrote every film you saw before you started watching cult Japanese cartoon movies and European arthouse films. People make blockbusters out of his throwaway short stories. He’s so hardcore someone needs to invent a new term for hardcore and apply it only to him.

“Read and write four to six hours a day. If you cannot find the time for that, you can’t expect to become a good writer.” – Stephen King

Elvis Presley – THE King

If Elvis hadn’t existed, no one could’ve made him up. What a badass.

“Wait, so he’s kinda pudgy-faced, really good-looking, and he loves his mum but he’s a bad boy and the biggest singer of all time? And when he dies everyone from overweight Americans to little Japanese guys are going to dress up like him and make a living at it? And he’s going to dance like there’s something very VERY wrong with him?!”

There has never been a singer like Elvis.

(Okay, so it’s actually number 11)

Fucking Hell

Best descriptive expletive. I mean what a juxtaposition! – What would the fucking in hell be like? Really bad because it’s hell? Really great because heaven is all twee and saintly? Would it just chafe because the sheer heat evaporates any sort of moisture or lubrication – including sweat? The mind grapples with the possibilities.

Did I miss anything out?


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